See me, p.1
See Me, page 1
See Me
A novel by
Tella Alvarez
Writing is therapy for your soul
Thank you to my very first readers, an online community I’m so happy to be a part of
Thank you to my husband and my family for their supporting gestures
My closest friends for dropping whatever they were doing to read my new chapters and give me feedback- Ann, Sarah, Nikki, Annie, Myriah, Suzanne, Lucinda
Special thanks to Kate Marr- whose beautiful words are used in the description.
Have you ever seen a beautiful girl that's actually happy?
Not just a pretty girl.
One of those girls that makes you turn your head in surprise, hoping for just one more peek.
Maybe you think you have.
They’re good at lying.
I’ve never met one that wasn’t fucked in the head.
Myself included.
1
All I could think about was the pack of cigarettes in my purse. I could feel the urge to light one creeping around in my stomach, the need for that sweet but brief head rush that follows the harsh inhale of all those disgusting chemicals into your lungs.
I thought back to when they brought that ridiculous substance program into middle school. They told us that cigarettes contain rat poison. I remembered the disgust that rippled through my body when the instructor mentioned it. I couldn't imagine why someone would want to put that into their lungs. If only my naive, sweet twelve-year-old self could see me now. It was the same reason that, more often than not, I'm completely wasted on the weekends, or more than happy to take drugs from the hands of anyone offering it to me. To feel something. Anything, at this point.
I glanced at the time on my phone and mentally calculated how many minutes are left before the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Seven minutes. It's risky, but I could make it. The problem is that whenever I leave the school to smoke, I don't want to come back. I don't want to go to English and listen to the woes of Romeo and Juliet. They were idiots.
"Seren? Did you hear me?" I heard Olivia's sickeningly sweet voice ask me, snapping me back to reality. I looked around the table that I was sitting at. The same table I sat at every day, with the same people I sat with every day.
It was all the same. It was always the same. Olivia was always attached to her boyfriend, Noah, in some way or another. Trinity was never far from Olivia, always ready to whisper gossip into her ear. Benji, Jax and Tyler always sat on one side so they could see the girls as they walked through the cafeteria. Cain and Zane sat at the other end of the table, doing… whatever it is they do.
And then me. Stuck in the middle of it all.
"Hm?" I hummed out, shaking my head and trying to refocus my eyes. I needed to stop doing that, completely zoning out to the point my eyes were unfocused. Not here anyways, not at school, where people watched my every move like I'm a zoo animal.
"I asked if you heard back from Carter. Girl, sometimes I don't even know where your head is at," Olivia laughed as she flicked her ice blonde hair over her shoulder. She rolled her eyes, but with a smile on her face, like that makes her not as bitchy as I'm sure she's secretly intending to be.
I held her gaze, blinking a couple of times. I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Seren, you are so clueless sometimes. It’s a good thing you’re pretty, I swear, or you would be sitting over there,” Olivia jerked her thumb backwards, over her shoulder, to a table of kids behind us, “with the losers.”
"Why don't you text him?" I asked her. I didn't even know what we were texting him about. Carter was one of the boys on the football team, he was nice enough. I guess. Handsy though, so I liked to keep my distance.
"Yeah, Olivia. Why don't you text him?" Jax added from beside me, sending me a sympathetic smile.
"Because he'll only do it for Seren, you know that," Olivia muttered as her fingers effortlessly moved across my screen. "There. He should text back in three, two..."
Now it was my turn to roll my eyes.
"Carter said yes, thank god!" She squealed as she tossed my phone back to me. I quickly glanced over the texts. Apparently, we wanted to use his lake house for the weekend. Who knew? Though, from the sounds of excitement coming from the rest of the group, it seemed like I was the only one who didn't know.
"So, Jax and I will get the booze. Olivia and Trinity, bring the food. Tyler, the weed. Cain, the music," Benji instructed us all, before he leaned into me. His hand snaked across my shoulder, and he whispered so only I could hear it, "you just bring your bikini, Seren."
Maybe I had a wetsuit lying around somewhere.
"Zane, you can take your dad's suburban, right?" Benji continued, not even pausing to register my scowl at his request for me. I flicked my eyes up to Zane and was slightly surprised to see he was already staring at me, his eyes narrowed. His lips were pursed together, like he was stopping himself from letting words escape. Our gazes locked, but neither of our expressions changed. For just a second, we simply stared at each other.
"Yeah, we're good," Zane replied, his eyes staying on me for a moment longer before turning to Benji.
"Do you guys remember what happened last time we were there? Seren got so drunk she stripped in the hot tub," Trinity giggled out, gently nudging me in the ribs. I vaguely noticed Tyler and Benji giving each other knowing glances, chuckling and fist bumping each other.
"I'm going for a smoke," I muttered to no one in particular, slowly standing from the uncomfortable plastic chair and grabbing my purse from beside me. I didn’t know if I was just eager to escape the way my friends were talking about me right in front of me, like I didn’t exist, or if the call for nicotine was too strong to further resist.
Once I had escaped from the linoleum maze that we called our high school, I focused on breathing the outside air, trying to force my mind to leave their words behind. I leaned against the cool brick wall in the corner I always smoked at. I hurriedly ripped a cigarette out of the package and brought it to my lips, lighting it with my small pink lighter. I couldn't help the small sigh that left my mouth at my first inhale. I hadn't had one since this morning. I instantly felt some of the muscles in my neck relax, and I rested my head back against the wall and closed my eyes.
I used to smoke at the far-left corner of the parking lot, where the rest of the addicted teenagers from my school smoked. It was always packed with people, some smoking and some just enjoying the company. It was never quiet there, always some loud-mouth ready to direct their stupid words at me. Usually it was some variation of 'what's a pretty girl like you smoking for?' Ew.
So instead, I snuck away to the back of the school. We weren’t technically allowed to smoke here, but I really didn’t care. It was like a scared spot to me now. It was one of the only places I could just be alone, where no one bothered me.
My mind wandered to Zane's stare, his face flashing through my mind as if he was a singular bolt of lightning. That was an accurate way to describe him, both in my mind and in real life. With no warning he would appear, just for a fleeting moment, flashing brilliantly against the otherwise blackness of the stormy night. Then, only a second later… he was gone, and everything was dark again. He was new to our friend group, as he had only moved to our town last year. I didn’t even know how he became friends with us. Well, not that we're really friends. I've barely spoken ten words to him, I can't even remember the day that I met him. One day he wasn't there, and the next he was sitting with us at lunch, like he had been there all along. He was a bit of an asshole honestly, but I couldn’t say that his presence annoyed me completely. I had even held distant intrigue towards him, at one point. The way that he treated me was just so different from the way the others treated me. I had expected him to hit on me, as most of the guys in school did. I know that sounds vain. It wasn’t that I held myself in high regard, it was just the truth.
He didn't, though. It was the opposite. He didn't try to talk to me, he didn't try to inconspicuously place his hands on me like it was an accident. Sometimes I catch him glaring at me, like I ran over his dog or something. It was nice. Refreshing. He didn't give a shit about me. Not that most people did, but for some reason they tried to act like they did. They pretended that they liked me, like I was their friend.
I wasn’t sure if I had any real friends.
2
I stared blankly at my own reflection, no expression on my face as I ran my own eyes over my appearance. The mirror in my closet was tall enough that I could see myself completely. I'm not sure if I liked what was staring back at me. I looked good-I knew that. I just looked empty. I looked lifeless.
The dress I was wearing was just like most dresses I owned. Short, but not short enough to flash anyone. Low cut, but again, not low cut enough to flash anyone. It was a pale blue sundress, the soft fabric flowed over my curves. My long, black hair was draped in soft curls, wrapping around my bust and ending at my waist. My focus, however, was on the dark circles under my eyes. They were getting worse, and I was surprised that no one had mentioned them.
It's not that there was anything keeping me up. There wasn’t. I had plenty of time to sleep, I just never wanted to. I spent my nights watching mindless, trashy television until well after midnight. I just loved the time I had at to myself at night. When it was quiet, peaceful, and most of all, there was no one texting me or calling me. Or maybe it was simply in avoidance of the next day. I stayed awake as long as I could, so that the morning didn’t rush to meet me as it so consistently does when you close your eyes and la
I quickly dabbed some concealer under my eyes, it didn't cover them completely, but I looked less like a zombie. I grabbed my already packed duffel bag and headed down the stairs, knowing that the group would be here any minute to pick me up. Was I excited to be spending the weekend at Carter's lake house? Not particularly. Was I excited to drink? Yes.
I darted into the kitchen, crouching in front of my dad’s liquor cabinet. My fingers grazed the dozens of bottles, but I was looking for one in particular. Vodka. I found an unopened bottle in the back, grabbing it and shoving it into my bag. There would be plenty of alcohol there, but I wanted one just for myself. Just in case.
"You know, most fathers would be alarmed at the sight of their teenager raiding their liquor cabinet," I heard my dad say from behind me. Though I wasn’t worried of his incoming parental rage, because quite simply, one must care in the first place to get angry. I rose to my feet and turned to look at him, I was surprised he even noticed me.
"But not you, right?" I kept my voice as sweet as possible, even forcing a small smile.
"That's right. I trust you. Just no driving, okay? And responsible drinking please," my dad raised his eyebrow as he said it, as if he was doubting the words himself.
"No driving," I confirmed, not touching the rest.
"Okay, sweetheart. Have fun. Tell Olivia and Trinity I say hi," he said as he gave me a quick peck on the cheek, grabbing his keys off the wall. I had no doubt he was heading back to the office.
My mom died when I was three, a car accident. One split second where metal clashed into metal and suddenly my entire life was destroyed before it could even start. It’s funny how that happens, isn’t it? One single second can ruin all the remaining years to come. And so, my mom was dead before I could say her name, and now I barely remembered her. She was simply a ghost. One who I was unfamiliar with, but still insisted on haunting my life. She was here, of course I’m proof of it, but now she’s gone as easily as if she had been nothing more than my imagination in the first place. Her death meant my dad was left alone to raise me, and he clearly had no idea what he was doing, so he mainly left me to my own devices. He spent most of his time at work, not bothering with me. It wasn’t like he knew anything alarming was going on. I'm sure that if he was aware of what I spent my free time doing, he would have something to say about it. Maybe. I'd like to think so, anyway. My dad frequently told me that he knew I was drinking and partying, so instead of forcing me to be sneaky about it, as most teenagers are, he would rather be informed.
He wasn't, but I wasn't going to tell him that.
I heard the honk of a car horn from outside, so I quickly walked out the door, making sure to lock it behind me. Zane's SUV was waiting in the driveway, it’s black paint was reflecting the hot sun, and it looked as new as it would if it had rolled off the dealer’s lot just hours ago. I placed my bag in the trunk, throwing it over the luggage that was already towered in there. I titled my head as I debated on which side to enter the car from, before realizing that it didn’t matter in the slightest. No matter what side of the car I sat on, I still wouldn’t like the people that I was sitting with. Finally, I picked the right side, and I opened the back door, knowing I wouldn't be lucky enough to sit in the passenger seat.
Zane was in the driver's seat, staring over the steering wheel in front of him. He didn’t even look at me as I entered his car. Cain was next to him, seemingly in charge of the music as his phone was plugged into the stereo system. I glanced around the remaining seats. Noah, Carter and Trinity were in the third row of seats, Olivia was perched happily in Noah's lap. Tyler, Benji and Jax were in the front row, looking at me with sly grins on their faces. One minute in, and I was already wishing I was back in my room, alone.
"Seren, babe! You look amazing," Olivia greeted me in her obviously, to me anyway, fake voice. She started giggling as Noah kissed her neck, grabbing his chin in a way that told me she was enjoying his attention completely.
"Thanks. Short on seats?" I grumbled out, noticing quickly that there were no free seats available.
"Disadvantages of being picked up last," Benji winked at me, causing a faint spark of disgust to move through my body. "We flipped coins to see who's lap you're sitting on."
"Flipped coins?" I asked him, feeling my eyebrow arch up in suspicion. "Hold that thought," I muttered as I briskly walked back towards the trunk, opening it and pulling the bottle of vodka from my bag. I twisted the cap, hearing the seal pop as it broke. I loved that sound, it one of my favourite sounds in the world because it meant that soon enough, I would be drunk. The world was better when I was drunk, because when I was drunk, nothing hurt me.
I held my nose as I took a couple of gulps from the bottle, trying to ignore the taste as it went down, my face scrunching in disgust from the bitterness. I needed something to tolerate sitting on one of the guy’s laps for the two-hour drive, because if I had to do it sober, the only thing I would focus on is how one of their hands would no doubt be on my body in a way that their hands didn’t need to be.
"Alright, where am I sitting?" I asked after tucking the bottle back in my bag and returning to the open car door.
"Jax, the lucky bastard," Benji’s voice had lost its unappealing charm, shooting a glare in Jax's direction. I mentally sighed a breath of relief that it wasn't Benji's lap I had to sit on. Jax was probably the best choice. He was nice, kept his hands to himself. Mostly. I crouched my head as I stepped into the car, climbing over Benji and Tyler and plopping down on Jax's lap. I gave him a small smile as I pulled the seatbelt over the both of us, and then shifting so I was sitting sideways, leaning against the window. Zane quickly started driving away, Cain cranked the music back up.
"Sorry, Seren. I would have given you my seat but none of the guys would agree to let me sit on them," Jax joked with me. I looked up at Jax, the way his blue eyes were shining back at me made me feel a glimmer of happiness. It was a faint glimmer, just barely surfacing, but still, it was there. Jax’s brown hair was cut shorter than I’ve seen it, and I wondered if he had gotten a haircut. Jax was the closest thing I had to a friend, lately. He listened to me, he helped me when I needed it.
"Really? I would have thought Benji would be more than willing to accommodate," I joked back, thanking the alcohol for making me a tad less grumpy.
"My lap is available for you any day of the week, Seren, but I draw the line at Jax," Benji said, reaching over Tyler and punching Jax in the arm.
